Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)… Whenever I’ve heard those words in the past, I thought about a solider, someone who has experienced a traumatic event like a car crash or someone who faced trauma during a life-changing experience, maybe giving birth. The condition has been far away from what I thought I’ve been going through for a long time now. And I never knew that everything I’ve been feeling is associated with it.
For a while, I’ve been in therapy and I’m finally in a place where I’m not ashamed to share that. Talking is healthy, especially for me now that I can discuss things I didn’t realise still bothered me. It turns out, that I’ve been dealing with stuff thinking, it’s okay because I’ve done this before or I’ve experienced worse so surely everything’s fine. You know, those kinda thoughts? When in reality, I haven’t recovered and part of that process to be able to, means talking.
Towards the end of my most recent session, my toughest one so far, I got my diagnosis. I was told I have PTSD. And I wondered why. I remember my therapist asking me in my first session if I’ve ever experienced trauma. My answer was something like, erm… I don’t think so. Little did I know, talking to him was going to get me the answers I wasn’t expecting.
I feel sad in the sense that I waited so long to speak to someone. I can’t tell you how long I’ve challenged thoughts running through my mind and telling myself it’s just me, it’s all in my head. To be completely honest, I can think hypothetically at times and often create a scenario that hasn’t or doesn’t happen… but this is real. It’s raw and it’s extremely difficult to deal with at times.
Through my appointments so far and after a trauma assessment, it’s all there. And when my therapist explained, it all started to make sense. The continuous nightmares, flashbacks, saddened days, sweats, uncontrollable feelings on top of anxiety and low self esteem… I get it now.
It’s hurt my head wishing I would’ve done something about this years ago. Sometimes though, you don’t speak about it enough to realise the harm it’s done/or doing.
As hard as it hit, it’s given me a lot more strength than I had months ago. I feel stronger. There’s a long way to go but I’m getting there. I can see that I’m a much braver person now. It’s all a work in progress but it’s for me to lessen my fears, to try to reduce nightmares, and to become a happier person on how I see myself and feel. I know what I’m dealing with now and I will reach my goals (I hope).
Ever since Danny became such a significant person in my life, my world has been a safer place, in the sense that I have someone who loves and protects me no matter what. But sometimes, things are in my own hands to get to grips with. No matter how much support I get, it’s also down to me, to help myself. Although, without the love and understanding from Danny, who knows if I would’ve made this step.
Now that our lives have become even more meaningful with our son, I have more reason to do what I’m doing. They are my everything. And I’ll always do everything in my power to work for us, whenever it be emotionally, physically, financially, whatever.
Life can have a habit of throwing hurdles. There will be things that just don’t help, like health problems that find their way to worsen how you feel, or a particular event/memory on repeat no matter how hard you try not to think about it.
I never thought I’d see such a different perspective about what really matters. I’m so grateful for where I am today and if my journey has taught me anything, it’s these three things:
– Your health is more important than you think
– Asking for help isn’t something to be ashamed of
– It’s never too late for new beginnings
To the person reading this, I hope you’re okay. And if you’re not, remember you can always speak to someone – a friend, family, a neighbour, your GP etc. I wish I would’ve sooner. By no means is it easy. I think it’s one of the hardest things to do but it’s the outcome that makes it all worth it (for me that’s the case anyway).
I’m thankful that my son gifted me with the reminder of all the precious things in life and who/what you should hold close to you.