woman writing in a notepad

Working on me, for me.

I have been trying to write a new blog post for a while but I haven’t gotten further than a few words, hardly a sentence. Every time I attempted to type, I ended up deleting it not long later. Nothing seemed to fit or make sense. I wondered if people would even read it. I have lost count of the amount of drafts I have had blog post titles named ‘???’

The truth is, those question marks ask a lot. I have been fighting some personal battles both mentally and physically. I have been feeling lost and out of touch with the things that I used to enjoy or use as a method of distraction from negative thoughts, including my blog. In a way it has always been my ‘therapy’ but now I need the real thing and I am finally able to write about that. I’ll be honest though, to talk about it in person is still incredibly hard and I am still pushing myself to continue moving forward.

For many years, I have been a worrier. Thoughts rush through my mind about what ifs, how I could’ve done something differently, or what someone or a number of people think of me.

It’s been hard to explain how I feel. I haven’t spoke to anyone in great detail about It other than my partner, Danny. There’s no one else on the planet who listens to me and responds honestly the way he does. I am lucky to have his hand to hold. He knows he doesn’t need to understand it all 100% and that he is the one person I need by my side. My mum has been there too, as always. Most days I wonder how much I might be putting on them but then I think, I would always want my son to turn to me, his mummy, and one day to that person of his own who will love him as much as his daddy loves me.

A fair few months ago, things began to take their toll. I became so lost that I couldn’t put most things into perspective anymore. There was a particular day, or more days to be honest when I became the most upset I have ever been. Sometimes, all I want is to get out of my head. I felt (still feel) like I am falling into a hole where I am slipping away from how I feel about every day things, how I look or how people perceive me. It doesn’t help that I’ve had symptoms of hypothyroidism (an under-active thyroid) for as long as I can remember but time finally did its thing and a couple of months ago, I was sent to A&E urgently as my thyroid levels had changed dramatically. I was told I do indeed have hypothyroidism. It’s a good thing in a way, that I have an answer to parts but there’s still a lot going on that I’m trying to keep up with.

I have started to question things an awful lot – inside my head and out loud. I have a habit of dazing out which I feel can’t be helped most times. It’s funny because since I became a mum, I have gained new strengths but in other ways, I’ve lost so much confidence. I tend to shy away from going straight in to try something. I wonder 10 times or more if I can do it or what other people see as I try. I have been so happy yet cried more than ever before. Of course, fluctuating hormones play a part in any new mum’s journey but for me it’s been such a longstanding situation. Over the years, I have spent far too much time in my worrying bubble. It has affected how I look at things before they happen, how I feel or think.

Picking out things to criticise myself on has become an even easier thing to do. Danny constantly tells me that I am such a strong person but most days I wonder if I’m failing and I feel drained from taking everything in. I don’t need to be reminded of all of the good people and amazing things in my life. I am very much aware of those including all of the exciting things that I have to look forward to.

I don’t want any sorry I didn’t know or you’ll get through it comments. I am sharing this post in the hope that it reaches people who are feeling something similar. You aren’t alone no matter how alone you can feel in your own head. Life gets tough on us all. Though, at times, you feel and see things you wish you hadn’t. People have their own ways of ‘coping’ but one thing I was reminded of recently is that, you can’t just cover the cracks. There’s a bigger picture and there’s nothing more important than your health. I have said more referrals for all sorts of things during maternity leave than ever before. It’s given me the time to focus on emotions and keeping on track of what my body is going through.

I can’t explain the bigger picture right now but I am feeling sure that it will get better. It doesn’t mean that everything will go away completely. I accept that it’s happening and has been for a very long time. Since having our baby boy, I’ve realised the need to work on me, not just for my family but for me. Some of my thoughts and feelings might stem from past or current events but improving myself starts with me. I guess it’s took the strength of being a new mum to help me see the bigger picture. There’s nothing more precious than my little family and having them has opened up a whole new world I needed to be in.

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